Energy

Now that I've been grieving for so many years, I'm low on energy. So I have to start conserving energy and concentrate on building it up again. In order to do this, it's important to understand what I lose it on. Making decisions is a huge drainer. Even simple decisions like what to eat or even whether to eat or not takes loads of energy. Energy I just can't afford to spend. So I made a schedule telling me when to get up in the morning, when to eat, get dressed, etc. And I needed to follow it whether I felt like it or not. I was supposed to get up off the bed and take my sad thoughts with me to kitchen, even if I was crying. I also needed to rest more, but not just whenever. I needed to schedule more rest so I would still be able to go to bed at a reasonable time at night.

All of this has helped me gain control of my sad thoughts and feelings and eventually I started feeling better. I haven't cried much since last summer so I guess it's working. I have kept myself busy with travel, family, work, etc, which also keeps my mind off it.

Therapy II

I started seeing a psychologist in June. I wanted her to help me cope with the pain so I could start living again. I see her every few weeks and our sessions are really helping me feel better. I tell about my life and my thoughts and she tells me about how people in my situation typically react and feel and what might help. If I don't feel like talking, she'll tell me about something. I wish I'd written down more of her advice and my own thoughts.

Therapy

I've been waiting since last fall to see a shrink but since I can't seem to handle going to school or work while thinking about this, I've had to wait until school's out. So I made an appointment yesterday.

The question is whether I'll manage to say anything at the session or if I'm just going to sit there and cry for an hour. Maybe I should write the therapist a letter to hand over when I get there. The thought of blubbering and blowing my nose all over her office feels fine for some reason. It's more the thought of sitting there an hour and just crying instead of talking that bothers me. There's only one way to find out, though, isn't there.

I should have done this years ago when I could still handle living.